OT- Doug is so fawking funny...
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From: Santa Rosa
Doug is so fawking funny...
LMAO!
Ripped right from Dougs website..(incase you didnt read it yet..)
My comments are the following, illustrated graphically via The Pyramid of Speed. I just copyrighted that term, along with the Go-Fast Crack Pipe, so if any of you semi-non-creative types out there rip off my sayings and claim them for your own, I will sick the Zen Five Lawyers on you, like we did for that other group that believes in multiple track events. (Note: Actually, I think BP was the originator of the "Go-Fast Crack Pipe", but I copyrighted it before he did). PMUM gets the copyright for "Cone Dodger". I may have talked about the "levels" of The Pyramid of Speed on this website somewhere in another story, but I can't find it right now through the 200 megabytes of files on this website , so I will repeat it.
So here goes my theory:
The Bottom Level of the Pyramid of Speed
Street Racers:
These are the yahoos that you see trying to do smoky burnouts on city streets. They look around for deserted industrial areas so they can "Race" each other in a straight line. They think NOS is cool. They think "Fast and Furious" is a shoe-in for an Oscar, both for best picture and best actor.
Favorite type of woman: Any sixteen year old female who hangs out at those Import car shows and will show some skin, never mind that her skin is pimply.
Favorite Magazine: Import Tuner. Sport Compact Car. Turbo Digest. NOS World.
Level 2 of the Pyramid of Speed
Freeway Racers:
Next to the bottom are these guys. They frown upon Street Racers, thinking that Street Racers are 0-80 mph wimps. Instead, Freeway Racers think that they are cool, as they go 120+ mph and weave in and out of traffic on the highway like a bunch of morons on crystal meth. The problem is that these boneheads have spent money to make their car a little faster and a little noisier than usual, but they forgot one thing: they are going at dangerously high speeds and they have itty bitty front brakes, small rear drum brakes, and they have never attended a go-fast driving school. They forgot the Stop-Fast parts when they modified their cars. Not good when Sally Homemaker in her 6000 lbs SUV makes a lane change at 55 mph without signaling and without looking for cars coming up on her at triple digit speeds.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that is impressed by them driving 100 mph with a beer in their hand, a joint in the other, and no seat belt on. Needless to say, these guys are usually dateless.
Favorite magazine: High Times. Mad Magazine.
Level 3 of the Pyramid of Speed
1/4 Mile Drag Racers
Next up are the 1/4 mile drag racers. These guys are at least smart enough to take their cars to a formal 1/4 mile track where there are rules, safety regulations, and ambulances for when they crash because they can't figure out how to drive in a straight line. They look down upon the Freeway "Racers" and Street "Racers" as a bunch of immature folks who don't have enough sense to take their need for speed to their local 1/4 mile drag strip. Instead, these 1/4 mile geeks spend their life trying to break the 12 second barrier in their souped up street cars. Sometimes they might even get four runs in a day, and at 13 seconds a run, this means they spent the whole day at the track for 52 seconds of "racing" fun. Kinda like spending $200 on a dinner date, and having premature ejaculation at the dinner table.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that has teeth.
Favorite magazine: Hot Rod, Car Craft, Hemi World.
Level 4 of the Pyramid of Speed
Autocrossers
Next, we have the autocrossers, a special breed among themselves. They frown on the illegal freeway and street racers as wreckless morons. They laugh at the 1/4 mile Drag Racers, as those goons can only go fast in a straight line. Hell, you can probably get a monkey or an 90 year old grandmother than can stomp on the gas and make three shifts in 12 seconds without crashing. Reaction speed of drag racers on the start? poo poo....reaction speed to autocrossers is learning a 15 turn autocross course the first time by driving out there and not hitting any freaking cones, and making some dramatic left-right-left turns without spinning out (despite the fact that they are going at a blazing 35 mph!)
Favorite type of woman: A female who has the whole day to burn, and can stand a safety cone upright, as they sucker them into being cone-corner workers.
Favorite magazine: The SCCA's SportsCar magazine and the SCCA FastTrack, so they can obey the Rule ****'s and read and interpret drivel such as this. These guys actually like reading a book of rules about how to go around cones at 35 mph!
Level 5 of the Pyramid of Speed
Time Trialers
Next, we have the Time Trialers, meaning the people that who take their car to road racing courses. Also known as "lapping days". These people are thrown on a road racing track with about 20 other cars, and they are only allowed to pass in the straightaways. They look down upon the illegal Street "Racers" and Freeway "Racers" for obvious reasons. They laugh at the drag racers who can only go in the straight line. They shake their head at the autocrossers, as why would someone want to spend all day in a parking lot to do five runs on a 15 turn course lined with safety cones, and each run only lasts 60 seconds and you never get out of 2nd gear? Hell, at at Time Trial event or lapping day, you may get 60+ laps around a world famous road course, which is 30 times more "seat time" than you get in autocrossing! Plus, in autocrossing, they may disallow your time because your tire is a quarter inch too wide, or you put a different brake pad on, or your springs on your car are a half inch too low. Autocross is racing, but racing Taliban-style, with 1000's of rules of what you can do or not do.
Favorite type of woman: Females who think that their man is a "Racer", since his car actually made it to the pavement of a race track. Never mind that the dude spun his car four times in one day and got dust all over the interior of the car. She is convinced that she dates "Macho Racer".
Favorite Magazine: Road and Track, Car and Driver, Automobile, Motor Trend.
The Top Level of the Pyramid of Speed
Wheel-to-Wheel Racers
The Wheel-to-Wheel racers are at the top of the pyramid. They have big heads, big egos, they think they are cool, and they can be tremendously condescending. They think Street Racers are riantidisestablishmentarianismulous, and that the Fast and The Furious is the second stupidest movie they ever seen, with Driven being the stupidest. Freeway racers are viewed as unskilled morons, but Wheel-to-Wheel racers have been known to occasionally "bait" the Freeway Racers into following them through an offramp at triple digits speeds, and when the Freeway Racer suddenly realizes that he can't control his car that fast in a turn, the Freeway Racer panicpoo poos the breaks hard while turning, and ends up spinning and crashing into the guard rail, while the Wheel-to-Wheel racer looks in his rear view mirror, and calmly puts another mark on his dashboard, keeping score of "reverse-kills". 1/4 Mile Drag racers are viewed as unskilled folks who can only shift up, and cannot figure out how to master a proper heel-and-toe downshift without grinding the tranny.
Autocrossers are viewed as crossdressers who think that danger and excitement is narrowly missing a plastic safety cone by two inches at 35 mph, and live by a rule book about their car specs that is bigger than the Bible. Does Michael Schumacher autocross? Would he ever spend time dodging safety cones? Did Kimi Raikonen make it to Formula One as a nineteen year old by driving solo in a parking lot? Hell no, Kimi made the leap to Formula One because he was the karting champ of Finland, doing wheel-to-wheel shifter karts, not by driving around stationary cones. Time trialers are viewed as chumps that can't figure out how to control their car well enough to maneuver in between two other cars at 100 mph in a turn without causing a three car wreck. For it is the Wheel-To-Wheel racer that put their car within inches of an apex at 110 mph, can brake within inches of their target braking point at 140 mph without locking up the brakes into ABS or flat spotting tires, and can control understeer or oversteer with the pedal to the metal coming out of an apex and using the last inch of pavement exiting out of a turn to keep the car from spinning off into the dirt or into surrounding cement walls.
Favorite type of women: Hot, sexy women who know that all the other "racers" in the lower level of the Pyramid of Speed are all really just "wanna-be-wheel-to-wheel racers". A woman with a good stock portfolio is highly desirable, because Wheel-to-Wheel racing is ahhh.....about five times more expensive than any other level on the Pyramid.
Favorite Magazine: Autoweek, as each week they have in depth coverage of the only true sport left in the world, which is Formula One wheel-to-wheel racing. Everything else in life is just a game......
So, for all you people who are already hooked on "The Pipe", just bite the bullet, throw a roll cage in your car, learn how to control your car a little better, and let's battle it out on the top level of the Pyramid, and let's look down upon all the other "pseudo-racers" from our perch in the Pyramid
Ripped right from Dougs website..(incase you didnt read it yet..)
My comments are the following, illustrated graphically via The Pyramid of Speed. I just copyrighted that term, along with the Go-Fast Crack Pipe, so if any of you semi-non-creative types out there rip off my sayings and claim them for your own, I will sick the Zen Five Lawyers on you, like we did for that other group that believes in multiple track events. (Note: Actually, I think BP was the originator of the "Go-Fast Crack Pipe", but I copyrighted it before he did). PMUM gets the copyright for "Cone Dodger". I may have talked about the "levels" of The Pyramid of Speed on this website somewhere in another story, but I can't find it right now through the 200 megabytes of files on this website , so I will repeat it.
So here goes my theory:
The Bottom Level of the Pyramid of Speed
Street Racers:
These are the yahoos that you see trying to do smoky burnouts on city streets. They look around for deserted industrial areas so they can "Race" each other in a straight line. They think NOS is cool. They think "Fast and Furious" is a shoe-in for an Oscar, both for best picture and best actor.
Favorite type of woman: Any sixteen year old female who hangs out at those Import car shows and will show some skin, never mind that her skin is pimply.
Favorite Magazine: Import Tuner. Sport Compact Car. Turbo Digest. NOS World.
Level 2 of the Pyramid of Speed
Freeway Racers:
Next to the bottom are these guys. They frown upon Street Racers, thinking that Street Racers are 0-80 mph wimps. Instead, Freeway Racers think that they are cool, as they go 120+ mph and weave in and out of traffic on the highway like a bunch of morons on crystal meth. The problem is that these boneheads have spent money to make their car a little faster and a little noisier than usual, but they forgot one thing: they are going at dangerously high speeds and they have itty bitty front brakes, small rear drum brakes, and they have never attended a go-fast driving school. They forgot the Stop-Fast parts when they modified their cars. Not good when Sally Homemaker in her 6000 lbs SUV makes a lane change at 55 mph without signaling and without looking for cars coming up on her at triple digit speeds.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that is impressed by them driving 100 mph with a beer in their hand, a joint in the other, and no seat belt on. Needless to say, these guys are usually dateless.
Favorite magazine: High Times. Mad Magazine.
Level 3 of the Pyramid of Speed
1/4 Mile Drag Racers
Next up are the 1/4 mile drag racers. These guys are at least smart enough to take their cars to a formal 1/4 mile track where there are rules, safety regulations, and ambulances for when they crash because they can't figure out how to drive in a straight line. They look down upon the Freeway "Racers" and Street "Racers" as a bunch of immature folks who don't have enough sense to take their need for speed to their local 1/4 mile drag strip. Instead, these 1/4 mile geeks spend their life trying to break the 12 second barrier in their souped up street cars. Sometimes they might even get four runs in a day, and at 13 seconds a run, this means they spent the whole day at the track for 52 seconds of "racing" fun. Kinda like spending $200 on a dinner date, and having premature ejaculation at the dinner table.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that has teeth.
Favorite magazine: Hot Rod, Car Craft, Hemi World.
Level 4 of the Pyramid of Speed
Autocrossers
Next, we have the autocrossers, a special breed among themselves. They frown on the illegal freeway and street racers as wreckless morons. They laugh at the 1/4 mile Drag Racers, as those goons can only go fast in a straight line. Hell, you can probably get a monkey or an 90 year old grandmother than can stomp on the gas and make three shifts in 12 seconds without crashing. Reaction speed of drag racers on the start? poo poo....reaction speed to autocrossers is learning a 15 turn autocross course the first time by driving out there and not hitting any freaking cones, and making some dramatic left-right-left turns without spinning out (despite the fact that they are going at a blazing 35 mph!)
Favorite type of woman: A female who has the whole day to burn, and can stand a safety cone upright, as they sucker them into being cone-corner workers.
Favorite magazine: The SCCA's SportsCar magazine and the SCCA FastTrack, so they can obey the Rule ****'s and read and interpret drivel such as this. These guys actually like reading a book of rules about how to go around cones at 35 mph!
Level 5 of the Pyramid of Speed
Time Trialers
Next, we have the Time Trialers, meaning the people that who take their car to road racing courses. Also known as "lapping days". These people are thrown on a road racing track with about 20 other cars, and they are only allowed to pass in the straightaways. They look down upon the illegal Street "Racers" and Freeway "Racers" for obvious reasons. They laugh at the drag racers who can only go in the straight line. They shake their head at the autocrossers, as why would someone want to spend all day in a parking lot to do five runs on a 15 turn course lined with safety cones, and each run only lasts 60 seconds and you never get out of 2nd gear? Hell, at at Time Trial event or lapping day, you may get 60+ laps around a world famous road course, which is 30 times more "seat time" than you get in autocrossing! Plus, in autocrossing, they may disallow your time because your tire is a quarter inch too wide, or you put a different brake pad on, or your springs on your car are a half inch too low. Autocross is racing, but racing Taliban-style, with 1000's of rules of what you can do or not do.
Favorite type of woman: Females who think that their man is a "Racer", since his car actually made it to the pavement of a race track. Never mind that the dude spun his car four times in one day and got dust all over the interior of the car. She is convinced that she dates "Macho Racer".
Favorite Magazine: Road and Track, Car and Driver, Automobile, Motor Trend.
The Top Level of the Pyramid of Speed
Wheel-to-Wheel Racers
The Wheel-to-Wheel racers are at the top of the pyramid. They have big heads, big egos, they think they are cool, and they can be tremendously condescending. They think Street Racers are riantidisestablishmentarianismulous, and that the Fast and The Furious is the second stupidest movie they ever seen, with Driven being the stupidest. Freeway racers are viewed as unskilled morons, but Wheel-to-Wheel racers have been known to occasionally "bait" the Freeway Racers into following them through an offramp at triple digits speeds, and when the Freeway Racer suddenly realizes that he can't control his car that fast in a turn, the Freeway Racer panicpoo poos the breaks hard while turning, and ends up spinning and crashing into the guard rail, while the Wheel-to-Wheel racer looks in his rear view mirror, and calmly puts another mark on his dashboard, keeping score of "reverse-kills". 1/4 Mile Drag racers are viewed as unskilled folks who can only shift up, and cannot figure out how to master a proper heel-and-toe downshift without grinding the tranny.
Autocrossers are viewed as crossdressers who think that danger and excitement is narrowly missing a plastic safety cone by two inches at 35 mph, and live by a rule book about their car specs that is bigger than the Bible. Does Michael Schumacher autocross? Would he ever spend time dodging safety cones? Did Kimi Raikonen make it to Formula One as a nineteen year old by driving solo in a parking lot? Hell no, Kimi made the leap to Formula One because he was the karting champ of Finland, doing wheel-to-wheel shifter karts, not by driving around stationary cones. Time trialers are viewed as chumps that can't figure out how to control their car well enough to maneuver in between two other cars at 100 mph in a turn without causing a three car wreck. For it is the Wheel-To-Wheel racer that put their car within inches of an apex at 110 mph, can brake within inches of their target braking point at 140 mph without locking up the brakes into ABS or flat spotting tires, and can control understeer or oversteer with the pedal to the metal coming out of an apex and using the last inch of pavement exiting out of a turn to keep the car from spinning off into the dirt or into surrounding cement walls.
Favorite type of women: Hot, sexy women who know that all the other "racers" in the lower level of the Pyramid of Speed are all really just "wanna-be-wheel-to-wheel racers". A woman with a good stock portfolio is highly desirable, because Wheel-to-Wheel racing is ahhh.....about five times more expensive than any other level on the Pyramid.
Favorite Magazine: Autoweek, as each week they have in depth coverage of the only true sport left in the world, which is Formula One wheel-to-wheel racing. Everything else in life is just a game......
So, for all you people who are already hooked on "The Pipe", just bite the bullet, throw a roll cage in your car, learn how to control your car a little better, and let's battle it out on the top level of the Pyramid, and let's look down upon all the other "pseudo-racers" from our perch in the Pyramid
Honda-Tech Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
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From: Fort Worth, TX, US of A
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (zygspeed)
LOLIt's so true, I have a cheesy civic and all I do is read Superstreet and Import tuner...I go to sleep with an APC stuffed doll he he , it falls apart constantly so it's held together with duct tape. he he
Honda-Tech Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 2,150
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From: FL, USA
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (Veil_Side_)
haha, that's frigging brilliant stuff. Sadly, i think I occupy the nether-region between AutoX tool and Lapping-Day lackey...I'll wheel to wheel eventually! Promise! Just let me finish paying off the R!!
What's his website address?
What's his website address?
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 12,092
Likes: 2
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (Aleph)
What's his website address?
this one: http://www.nsxfiles.com/
Most likely the latter... must be more ... OTC!
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,637
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From: at last finally back to sweet home, sunny north cali, usa
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (Chris)
yah but doug is slow in tha rain hahahah! me in m3, he in red s2k.
http://www.opentrackchallenge.com/ub...ML/000043.html
read his latest chapter, notice the red del sol got called on... heheh.
[Modified by frank@b16a.com, 12:00 AM 2/3/2002]
http://www.opentrackchallenge.com/ub...ML/000043.html
read his latest chapter, notice the red del sol got called on... heheh.
[Modified by frank@b16a.com, 12:00 AM 2/3/2002]
Honda-Tech Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 7,187
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Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (zygspeed)
... there were still a few polygons left in the original pyramid. 
ahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahah
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Joined: Jan 2000
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From: Akron, OH
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (Chris)
Classic stuff from Doug LOL. I highly recommend his NSXFiles videos, especially the 3rd one which is pretty sweet. I have all 3 of them, but if you only can get one, I recommend #3. The footage of him following the Realtime R's and Realtime NSX at NSXPO at Mid Ohio is worth the $17 in itself.
http://www.pulpstore.com/NSXFilesVideos.htm
http://www.pulpstore.com/NSXFilesVideos.htm
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From: Akron, OH
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (Chris)
Must be nice to have all that time and $$!!
[Modified by SoloRacer.com, 3:34 PM 2/3/2002]
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Joined: Apr 2001
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From: Valley Forge, PA, USA
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (SoloRacer.com)
I think you can thank Microsoft for that. Didnt Doug work there?
I think he is in his 30's, and he races an NSX and karts, he used to have a Ferrari F355 daily driver, and now has an S2000 daily driver.
To answer other questions/comments:
The website is http://www.nsxfiles.com
I was at Mid-Ohio when that footage with the RTR cars was shot. PD gave him a bit of a bitch slapping - it was funny as hell to watch.
That same weekend, Wayne was taking people out for rides in Doug's NSX near the hotel we were all staying at. I was "on deck" when a cop pulled up to the front of the hotel and said, "I'm hearing reports about a red sports car with flames on the side of it hauling *** through here. You guys wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" Right as we were saying that we had no idea who it could be, we ALL hear two extrodinarily loud downshifts as Wayne came heel-toeing into the parking lot at mach 2. Then he saw the cop, turned off the lights, and crept into a parking spot. The cop just laughed and drove away, but there was no way the car was going back out again, so I didn't get my ride.
Matt
edit to fix html mistake
[Modified by speedracer33, 2:59 PM 2/4/2002]
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Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (speedracer33)
I'm not even gonna ask how you divide up the wheel to wheel racers ....
I'm stuck somewhere in there...
I'm a "Time Trialer" in my civic
and a stock car "wheel to wheel" racer
Hmm..
funny post
I'm stuck somewhere in there...
I'm a "Time Trialer" in my civic
and a stock car "wheel to wheel" racer
Hmm..
funny post
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 64
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From: anaheim, ca
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (manveer)
it seemed like the e46 arrived with a caucasian male at the helm sporting his girlfriend, then was driven later in the day on the track by an unidentified male, then finally driven with the red group by the owner of the red del sol who was very fast i might add........
p.s. doug if you want some footage of the wurth/bitterman trials, just hit me up
p.s. doug if you want some footage of the wurth/bitterman trials, just hit me up
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From: at last finally back to sweet home, sunny north cali, usa
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (djmano)
heheheh... with a last name of Nguyen take a wild guess what my friend is? 
he's full blood too. it was just him and I driving his car only.
he's full blood too. it was just him and I driving his car only.
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From: anaheim, ca
Re: Doug is so fawking funny... (frank@b16a.com)
nguyen....sounds caucasian to me when he (the full blood) first arrived, there was a passenger with him.....it was either someones daughter or someones female friend, unless my eyes and my video cameras eyes lie. and another note, how old are your skunk2 cam gears?
[Modified by djmano, 2:19 AM 2/7/2002]
when he (the full blood) first arrived, there was a passenger with him.....it was either someones daughter or someones female friend, unless my eyes and my video cameras eyes lie. and another note, how old are your skunk2 cam gears? [Modified by djmano, 2:19 AM 2/7/2002]
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