I had to write a paper for English. The assignment was "Remembering an event that changed our lifes." We couldnt use anything big, it had to be something simple. I chose my ITR story.

http://www.clanh2k.com/jordo/story2.htm

Thats the link.. Comments welcome!

A+ paper?

**BTW how does the banner look?

 

Thats great!

A- at worse

 

Pretty good, only mistake I saw was "all ready" instead of "already"

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote"> Buying expensive parts motivates me to work harder to be able to afford the parts I want. It also helps boost my self-esteem. </TD></TR></TABLE>


hahaha .....if thats what it takes to boost your self esteem ....you might need to rework your priorities

 

not bad. Im not an english major by any means(failed english 101 twice lol) so I wont even give my 2 cents on format or content of the story.

I remember the night before I was supposed to pick up my car as well...what a long night that was. I couldnt F'n wait. now its just a long night bc Im worried about it being gone in the morning lol.

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by tsunami_zc &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">


hahaha .....if thats what it takes to boost your self esteem ....you might need to rework your priorities </TD></TR></TABLE>

, its like christmas all year ..

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by RTW DC2 &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">I remember the night before I was supposed to pick up my car as well...what a long night that was. I couldnt F'n wait.</TD></TR></TABLE>

Hehe I remember waking up and leaving at 3a.m. to drive 6 hours to pick up my car, ah the memories

 

I'd give it a 'B'.

The story flowed well, but you need to use more transition words like, "Furthermore, this Hype R picks up chicks." Crap like that. Teachers like transitional words that allow the story to flow from paragraph to paragraph. They also like a nice last paragraph opening like, "In closing", then you sum up everything you wrote in paragraph 1, your thesis, and a bit about each body paragraph and try to do it in 1-2 sentences. Then you can put your heart into the last 2-3 sentences and go out with a bang.

Marc ----&gt; who thought about being a journalist, but realized it pays like ***

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by RealTypeR &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">I'd give it a 'B'.

The story flowed well, but you need to use more transition words like, "Furthermore, this Hype R picks up chicks." Crap like that. Teachers like transitional words that allow the story to flow from paragraph to paragraph. They also like a nice last paragraph opening like, "In closing", then you sum up everything you wrote in paragraph 1, your thesis, and a bit about each body paragraph and try to do it in 1-2 sentences. Then you can put your heart into the last 2-3 sentences and go out with a bang.

Marc ----&gt; who thought about being a journalist, but realized it pays like ***</TD></TR></TABLE>

Thanks for the comments, im gonna see what i can do, its due thrusday

 

Actually, using "In Closing" or "In Conclusion" should not be use as transitional phrases. The ending paragraph should have a Thesis that just restates the entire body in less than 3 sentences.

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by len &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">Actually, using "In Closing" or "In Conclusion" should not be use as transitional phrases. The ending paragraph should have a Thesis that just restates the entire body in less than 3 sentences. </TD></TR></TABLE>

What did you get in English boyeeee? I'd own you in a writing contest.

 

Your story is great cause it's almost a carbon copy of my search and find R getting process!

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">For unknown reasons, the possible deals fell threw. </TD></TR></TABLE>

Should be "through."

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">Then, the owner of the car was having second thoughts and very weary about selling the car.</TD></TR></TABLE>

Should be "wary."

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">The feeling was like Santa Clause coming; I couldn't sleep a wink. </TD></TR></TABLE>

Santa Claus.

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">It's amazing when the excitement over flows your mind and it seemed to make the trip take forever. </TD></TR></TABLE>

This is a tense shift. It's generally not desireable to mix past and present tense.

Now these few suggestions were meant only as helpful. BTW, I'm a journalism major and copy editor of my school newspaper. Good luck with the paper.

 

not a bad paper, but you made me laugh when you mentioned "wasting" your money on "non-material" things
That sentence makes you sound kindof shallow, and reflects poorly on your character IMO. You might want to revise it, and focus more on how you learned to achieve sucess through hard work (or some crap like that).
Remember - it's just a car dude...

I give it a B+

 

.....are you in high-school or college? I give it a Jordo.

Everyone else seems to have cleaned up your paper for the most part, but this one slipped by:

"Then, the owner of the car was having second thoughts and very weary about selling the car."

Try "wary" here...

And nobody better question my *** laude in English.

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by len &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">Actually, using "In Closing" or "In Conclusion" should not be use as transitional phrases. The ending paragraph should have a Thesis that just restates the entire body in less than 3 sentences. </TD></TR></TABLE>
I agree. Most wouldn't like you to use those terms as it interrupts the flow, not help transition. It's like starting with "Hi my name is ... and I'm going to talk about ... "

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by MK Ultra &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">

Should be "through."

Should be "wary."

Santa Claus.

This is a tense shift. It's generally not desireable to mix past and present tense.

Now these few suggestions were meant only as helpful. BTW, I'm a journalism major and copy editor of my school newspaper. Good luck with the paper. </TD></TR></TABLE>
hell yeah, thanks alot..

 

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by Philly_NBP_R &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">not a bad paper, but you made me laugh when you mentioned "wasting" your money on "non-material" things
That sentence makes you sound kindof shallow, and reflects poorly on your character IMO. You might want to revise it, and focus more on how you learned to achieve sucess through hard work (or some crap like that).
Remember - it's just a car dude...

I give it a B+
</TD></TR></TABLE>
yeah i thought about that, im gonna fix it.

thanks fellas