Ok so out of the blue my car won't even try to start. Not even sputtering.

Here is what I have checked.

Has spark - let it bite me to make sure it was a strong spark
-Replaced with a brand new distributor and button and cap
-Checked for fuel pressure
-Fuel is getting into the motor
-Swapped ECUs
-Main Relay Clicks
-No CEL

Car doesn't sputter or anything. Just constant starter noise.

Freaking loosing my mind. Any ideas?

 

Sounds like time to break out the timing light and make sure it didn't jump.

 

+1 for Compression. Take a video of your buddy or someone trying to start it and post it.

 

I would start by verifying engine timing and then check for fouled/ gas soaked plugs.