illusion

i remember finding this somewhere and saving it. appropriate here? chuckle


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee 1.00
Total $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Open a beer and drink it.
3. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
8. Give up and use crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on
you in process. Clean up mess.
10. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
11. Look for oil filter wrench. Give up.
12. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
13. Beer.
14. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
15. Finish oil change tomorrow.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
17. Discover oil spill. Used oil container was full.
18. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back

yard.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 17.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 9.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along

with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.30. Drink
beer.
31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench.
34. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)

in the left boob.
35. Beer.
36. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
37. Beer.
38. Beer.
39. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40. Beer.
41. Lower car from jack stands.
42. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 29.
44. Beer.
45. Test drive car.
46. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47. Car gets impounded.
48. Make bail.
49. Get car from impound yard.


Money spent:
Parts $ 50.00
DUI 2,500.00
Impound fee 75.00
Bail 1,500.00
Beer 25.00
**Total $ 4,150.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!



[Modified by illusion, 11:46 PM 9/23/2002]

robbin

Blood is as important a fluid (or at least as common) as any other when it comes to car maintanance. Plus it's worth the extra $4000 to be able to drink beer instead of coffee.

Angry Joe

If you think that's funny wait till you see Angry Joe's E-Z transmission removal instructions. I'll write them when I actually get the transmission back IN the car and get my stiches removed

--Angry Joe, who's waiting for $500 worth of parts, an ER bill and has half his car dissasembled on the kitchen floor