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Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

 
Old 05-21-2019, 09:40 AM
  #51  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

This golf **** about to have GDD up her ***...
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Old 05-21-2019, 09:54 AM
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

First, thanks to everyone for the input, even those that I don't necessarily want to hear.

Originally Posted by BauleyCivic View Post
Your marriage is over. At least it would be if I was on your end. Lawyer up and figure out how the pieces will fall when it's done.
I'll know for sure one way or the other in 7 weeks time, just have to let this play out.

Originally Posted by The GreenD16 View Post
I have questions about them sleeping together. How long ago was that, and how did you find out? At the counseling session or did your wife tell you a while ago? Did she say it was once or multiple times?
Happened April 20th, she told me this past Sunday (2 days ago) because she said, "it's going to come out eventually anyways..."

She said it was only once and I believe her, there simply haven't been other opportunities since then and it was the very next day when I began coming around to what I'd done to her, what I'd said and how it affected her. At that point I hadn't yet started fighting to keep this together, she was alone and looking for comfort, and this woman took advantage of that.

Originally Posted by .Beaver View Post
Basically this.

21337-
Would you be reacting any differently if she smanged a dude rather than the lesbian? Just curious.
Completely differently. But I know her, I know that she wouldn't open up like she has to this woman with another man. Like I said in the other thread, this woman is likely the first person who encouraged her to drop her guard and let her in emotionally. This could very well be the closest friend she's ever had, it's just unfortunate that this "friend" had ulterior motives from jumpstreet. I fully believe my wife was taken advantage of in this situation, but she can't see that right now. If she can't see that within the next 7 weeks then yes, this is over. Even if she says she wants to work things out with me she will resent me for requiring her to kill that relationship, and that poison will get us eventually.

Originally Posted by Rguy View Post
Agreed. Id have this solved with one simple question to my 'wife'..."Do you want us/this to work and are you willing to do what it takes to make it happen?". If that answer isnt an immediate yes, then it's already over with and youre both just wasting time "trying to make it work" when deep down I think your wife is/has already moving/moved on in some ways. The infidelity alone for me would have told me all I would need to know.
That's the only question I've wanted answered for the past 2 months. She still has no idea what she wants, or she does and just can't muster the courage to pull the trigger.

Originally Posted by NVturbo View Post
213374U, hate to say this but it's pretty much over. When the spouse makes the time to be with someone else (male, female, both..whatever), they have made the decision to live life without you. Been down that road before. My 1st marriage ended due to my wife "wanting to live her own life" since we married right after high school. There's no use in trying to make it work when you're the only one doing the work.
She made that decision because at that point I had completely abandoned her with both my actions and my words. We'll see what happens over the next 7 weeks.

Originally Posted by tony_2018 View Post
She at least was being honest and hopefully she spilled the beans to the damn broad about her trying to make it work.
That was part of putting distance in between them, she told her she had to work things out with me alone.

I keep reiterating to my wife that, because of the order of events, she's already fucked up the relationship with this woman before it could even begin. If she walks away from us she may not be lonely in the immediate, but that relationship will fall apart just like ours has given enough time.

Originally Posted by usdm420 View Post
She's not going back to the golf course "to work on stuff".....least of all, the marriage. That was absolutely intentional.
Sorry to hear all of this man.
The golf course is her safe space, the place she escapes to now. She told me about the run-in immediately when she got home, but I can't say that I don't wonder if it was intentional.

Originally Posted by FrostyDC4 View Post

213374U regarding the lesbian partner, have you noticed anything odd earlier in the relationship that you mentally swept under the rug? Usually with something like that you notice it within 1-3 months of meeting someone.
Earlier in which relationship? Mine and hers? Or, hers and the lesbian?

Originally Posted by Caoboy View Post
I don't feel this is the place to tell people their marriage is over.

Dude is not asking if it is. He's venting and trying to work this out with his wife.

Don't put thoughts in his head that he might (subconsciously) act on. Just saying. I know some of you have been in his situation, but every situation is different. We don't know all the details.


Originally Posted by usdm420 View Post
Might not "be the place for it"...but there are also legit dudes here (that are NOT trolling this topic or "jumping the gun") that can also help KEEP his head clear when she bullshits about things like "going to the golf course cuz it's the instructor's OFF DAY" *insert eye roll here*............while also claiming she's "trying".


Originally Posted by NVturbo View Post
even if he's not asking for advice, it's on his mind. From my personal experience, it feels lonely as hell when **** like that happens to you. You don't know who to talk to or trust anymore.
I'm talking to anyone in my life willing to listen, trying to strengthen those relationships so that I'm not completely alone when/if this goes away.

Originally Posted by BLU CIVIC View Post
Yeah, going back to the same place where this woman goes and not intentionally avoiding it sends mixed messages.


Originally Posted by tony_2018 View Post
If she doesn't bring up that 'accidental meet' at the next counseling tankers gonna have to press the question right there.
The next 4 sessions are solo. She meets with her next Thursday, I meet with her the following, so on and so forth until we come back in together to hash it out. I will definitely be mentioning it during my 1:1, the current issues need to be the focus right now, then we can focus on the underlying issues between me and her once this third-wheel is out of our marriage.

Originally Posted by Mattb16teg View Post
In the end it's up to you to decide if you can look past this and fully, establish trust with her again or it will always be a struggle.
If we can learn to openly and honestly communicate with each other, to raise issues as they happen instead of letting them stew so as not to rock the boat, I'm confident we can get past this. But it's going to take a lot of work, I'm not sure she's ready nor willing to do that.
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Old 05-21-2019, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by vtecvoodoo View Post
This golf **** about to have GDD up her ***...
Definitely going to do what I can to make her life hell if my wife decides this is over.
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Old 05-21-2019, 09:55 AM
  #54  
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Like we discussed over PM, it's great you have the self-awareness to look after yourself mentally. I'm sure your prior military service has given you a head start on being aware that the mind and body need to be taken care of especially during times like this. Whatever form of exercise is going to keep your head straight is best. Look after yourself, you'll get through this
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:00 AM
  #55  
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Originally Posted by Caoboy View Post
I don't feel this is the place to tell people their marriage is over.

Dude is not asking if it is. He's venting and trying to work this out with his wife.

Don't put thoughts in his head that he might (subconsciously) act on. Just saying. I know some of you have been in his situation, but every situation is different. We don't know all the details.
Word, this is why I don't feel it's my place to offer advice on the situation itself. I don't know 213374u personally except for when our paths cross on the internet but he seems like a good dude and it's probably best for us to focus on providing context on the situation instead of passing our opinions off as fact.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:00 AM
  #56  
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Originally Posted by 213374U View Post
The next 4 sessions are solo.
These types of sessions helped me tremendously.

Regardless what happens with you and your wife, try to continue your individual sessions.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:02 AM
  #57  
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As a longtime friend told me last night, "I don't see this working out well for her in any way. But you, you're still viable, you still have all the things necessary to make a future relationship work if this ends." I will be devastated if this does end, but with time I'll heal and move on, just don't know that I'll be able to watch the trainwreck that her life will be if she legitimately pursues a lesbian relationship. She will lose everything and everyone save for the family she's made at the golf course. Families out of East Texas don't take to kindly to this sort of thing, especially where responsibilities to an established family are involved.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:05 AM
  #58  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

hate that you are going through this 2133.

thanks for sharing tho, a reminder for me to try a little harder for my wife for sure.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:08 AM
  #59  
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Originally Posted by 213374U View Post
As a longtime friend told me last night, "I don't see this working out well for her in any way. But you, you're still viable, you still have all the things necessary to make a future relationship work if this ends." I will be devastated if this does end, but with time I'll heal and move on, just don't know that I'll be able to watch the trainwreck that her life will be if she legitimately pursues a lesbian relationship. She will lose everything and everyone save for the family she's made at the golf course. Families out of East Texas don't take to kindly to this sort of thing, especially where responsibilities to an established family are involved.

I've seen 3 times where lesbians revert, it shocked the **** out of me that she HAD A BABY AND GOT MARRIED. I should've kept hittin that when she was bi.....
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:09 AM
  #60  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

I will say this.

Stay in your hula hoop. Work on everything inside it. Don't focus your energy on her right now. You improve you and she's either coming along or getting left behind.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by TLWA View Post
hate that you are going through this 2133.

thanks for sharing tho, a reminder for me to try a little harder for my wife for sure.
This is the real reason I'm sharing: Don't stop paying attention to your lady, live everyday like you don't have tomorrow and never stop showing her that you care.

Originally Posted by Knightsport View Post
I will say this.

Stay in your hula hoop. Work on everything inside it. Don't focus your energy on her right now. You improve you and she's either coming along or getting left behind.
That's exactly what I'm doing. The changes have to be made if I have any hope to have a better relationship with anyone in the future, whether that's her or not.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:16 AM
  #62  
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Originally Posted by 213374U View Post
Earlier in which relationship? Mine and hers? Or, hers .
Earlier in the relationship with you and your current wife within 1-6months of dating.

I hate to use generalizations but if she has a craving for women or side-chicks she will explicitly say it and/or project (hoping that you are retarded enough not to pick up on this) her viewpoints and almost marginalize you enough to kinda brush it off. Most guys sweep the whole thing under the rug.

By the 3 month mark you should know what you are in for.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by 213374U View Post
Definitely going to do what I can to make her life hell if my wife decides this is over.

Thats probably not not the best idea considering there are kids involved. Its best to end things amicably.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:17 AM
  #64  
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Originally Posted by Knightsport View Post
I will say this.

Stay in your hula hoop. Work on everything inside it. Don't focus your energy on her right now. You improve you and she's either coming along or getting left behind.
This is bad advice, imo. If anything it's like a Venn diagram where you work on yourself, they work on themselves, and you intersect. Marriage counseling rarely works because it's extremely hard to change and at least one person usually wants someone to blame for their perceived life's problems. But their is individual work and couples work. Regardless of outcome the individual work can help a lot and you can exit knowing you did everything
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Knightsport View Post
I will say this.

Stay in your hula hoop. Work on everything inside it. Don't focus your energy on her right now. You improve you and she's either coming along or getting left behind.

This is very good advice
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by FrostyDC4 View Post
Earlier in the relationship with you and your current wife within 1-6months of dating.
We were good friends for about 2 years before we started dating. The 6 months between when we started dating and when I left for the Marine Corps were some of the best times of my life. No red flags.

Originally Posted by FrostyDC4 View Post
Thats probably not not the best idea considering there are kids involved. Its best to end things amicably.
Not hell for my wife, hell for the lesbian that took advantage of the situation my wife was in.

Originally Posted by 020 View Post
..... you can exit knowing you did everything
This is the other side of the coin for me. We work it out, or I know that I did what I could do and can leave at least knowing that much.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by 213374U View Post



Not hell for my wife, hell for the lesbian that took advantage of the situation my wife was in.

You won't need to. If you think they'll have anything CLOSE to what you and your wife had together over 16 years, you're fooling yourself.
They'll have some "awesome honeymoon phase" where it's all new-new....and after a year they'll both start wondering WTF they were thinking.....your wife especially. The best thing you can do is keep improving yourself and your current life. If I've learned anything, the "best revenge" so-to-speak is improving while they remain "lost/confused".
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:14 AM
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Having gone through this, 2 things for you to consider:
With the affair out in the open, is your wife making every effort to turn away from the issues that are harming your marriage? some people move out of state, disconnect phones, etc becuase they realize the issue and the marriage is worth more to them. Think an alcoholic struggling but seriously wants to be clean.

Can you forgive your wife? Of course it's painful, but if it's something you are going to hold against her in the future or something you can't come to terms with then there will be problems forever.

You are not helping your kids if you "stay together" meaning staying under the same roof and creating a negative environment.


My ex had that ecosystem of friends just like you are describing. She was on the phone for HOURS a day, but couldn't give me 10 minutes a day to catch up with me after work.
Then she met up with that ex guy.... after years, he conscience caught up with her and she came clean about the affair.
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:34 AM
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Just because something ends doesn't mean it was a failure.

shipping your kid off to spend the night somewhere else so you can go have sleepover sex with a coworker you're already emotionally cheating on your partner with.... Everyone I know has bailed when that kind of trust was betrayed - odds of *actually* regaining trust and rebuilding your relationship to its best level after that....
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by crawdad689 View Post
Just because something ends doesn't mean it was a failure.

shipping your kid off to spend the night somewhere else so you can go have sleepover sex with a coworker you're already emotionally cheating on your partner with.... Everyone I know has bailed when that kind of trust was betrayed - odds of *actually* regaining trust and rebuilding your relationship to its best level after that....
How many people do you know that have had that happen? Divorce is horrible for children statistically regardless of what anyone claims. 213 has not said they have a bad home environment and it may well be great. You can absolutely have a great relationship after issues.
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:46 AM
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Nah golf **** needs to get hers. She f'd with a family for a fling. Probably not the first time.
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:47 AM
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2 different guy friends had to deal with a long drawn out emotional cheating --> physical cheating ordeal. One of the wives was taking steps to change but he still couldn't regain trust, and the other wife basically went off the deep end and just started basically living at the other dude's place. Neither of them had kids.

If they "come clean" (i.e. get caught) and they don't IMMEDIATELY take all steps to delete contact info and unfollow on social media, they aren't taking it seriously enough.

And if she expects to be able to come clean and STILL meet up with this person "as friends", fuuuuck that.

And when the two of them STILL work together and see each other more often than you see each other, fuuuuuuck that.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:50 PM
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

If she's not willing to find a new job and cut off ALL communication to that other person, she's not willing to work on the marriage. Sorry that you're going through this! Your posting to the forum is hopefully cathartic. My marriage ended due to physical/emotional infidelity (ex wife would cheat when I traveled/cheated with her boss). I wouldn't give her too much space if you're both really wanting to work on this. She is going to need to fill the void that other person has been occupying (emotionally) and it would be easy for her to just confide in that same person again.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by usdm420 View Post
You won't need to. If you think they'll have anything CLOSE to what you and your wife had together over 16 years, you're fooling yourself.
They'll have some "awesome honeymoon phase" where it's all new-new....and after a year they'll both start wondering WTF they were thinking.....your wife especially. The best thing you can do is keep improving yourself and your current life. If I've learned anything, the "best revenge" so-to-speak is improving while they remain "lost/confused".
This is sound advice

Originally Posted by 4drEF View Post
Having gone through this, 2 things for you to consider:
With the affair out in the open, is your wife making every effort to turn away from the issues that are harming your marriage?
Not yet, and the longer it drags out without her making a decision just tells me she's already made her decision but is too afraid to make the call herself.

Originally Posted by 4drEF View Post
Can you forgive your wife? Of course it's painful, but if it's something you are going to hold against her in the future or something you can't come to terms with then there will be problems forever.
I already have, given the circumstances.

Originally Posted by 020 View Post
213 has not said they have a bad home environment and it may well be great. You can absolutely have a great relationship after issues.
We don't yell at each other, there's no physical abuse by anyone involved, we're always civil with each other in front of the kids, but there is tension. The biggest issues in the home largely stem from me walling myself off from everyone, including my children to some extent. I'm already doing my best to make up for lost time there, and while the kids think how I'm behaving is "weird"/"out of the ordinary", I've apologized for how I've been in the past and have made them both promises to be better with them. They're glad that I'm coming around.

Originally Posted by vtecvoodoo View Post
Nah golf **** needs to get hers. She f'd with a family for a fling. Probably not the first time.
Talking to homeboy last night and he tells me about some of his lesbian friends talking **** about other lesbians on multiple occasions who do this kind of ****. Evidently there's a type out there.

Originally Posted by crawdad689 View Post
If they "come clean" (i.e. get caught) and they don't IMMEDIATELY take all steps to delete contact info and unfollow on social media, they aren't taking it seriously enough.

And if she expects to be able to come clean and STILL meet up with this person "as friends", fuuuuck that.

And when the two of them STILL work together and see each other more often than you see each other, fuuuuuuck that.
All contact with the woman will have to be cutoff, which means she has to leave her job at that course and can't simply go work at another one. She does instruction periods at courses all over town. According to my wife, she's a fairly big deal in the world of golf instructors, so there's some status draw there as well since my wife has decided to dive headlong into golf....... a sport that I grew up playing, tried to get back into in recent history but realized what a time suck it was, stepped away for time with family, only to have her turn around and spend all her time playing golf. The irony is not lost on me.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by 213374U View Post
only to have her turn around and spend all her time playing golf. The irony is not lost on me.

Do you want me to make a *****, shafts, and holes joke here or we not there yet?
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