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Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

 
Old 05-20-2019, 10:41 AM
  #26  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by Rguy View Post
I married catholic, and before you can get married in the church you have to take several classes and have some tough discussions..about money, sex life, kids, jobs while married etc..its one thing I think the catholic church actually gets right.
When my wife and I met back in the early 1990s we were both "Recovering Catholics", and still are, but yeah, your point is well taken, Catholic Pre-Cana is pretty well thought out and a model which many folks and groups could emulate and have positive results.
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Old 05-20-2019, 10:45 AM
  #27  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Been separated and living in different countries for a year and a half, splitting time as well as we can with our daughter who is turning 4 this summer. Time to present would put us at together 15 years, married 7.
She put work before everything else, and I went into a depression, and things spiraled.

The idea of me moving back to CO was to work on myself and get in a better place, which had small effects, but then I just got lazy by myself. Decided to finally take some effort and responsibility here, haven't had a drink in a couple of weeks now, getting back in the gym, and working on some other things I have that I need to improve.

Easter I went up with our daughter to see her and the in-laws, and we had some talking about it all, and she finally admitted that it wasn't all on me, that she has issues to deal with as well. I don't know if we will ever see eye to eye on the work life balance etc, but it's enough of a start to keep a glimmer of hope for the future, that neither of us want to divorce yet.

We will see each other again in July, although it will be in a vacation/ holiday setting, so not much of any time to ourselves. Working on communication in the meantime, which will hopefully keep going well.
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Old 05-20-2019, 11:09 AM
  #28  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by BeeResp0nsible View Post
Sorry, I disagree with this. Coffee should come before marriage. If I don't have my coffee in the morning, I simply can't be held responsible for how I treat my wife
Nope not even coffee.

Originally Posted by Tokyosmash! View Post
So what do you do when your spouse puts all of that in front of your marriage because “that’s how it was when I grew up”

Asking for a friend :sigh:
You need to look up that Re-engage marriage class I posted. Sounds like it'll help you.
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Old 05-20-2019, 11:10 AM
  #29  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by snobordboy View Post
Been separated and living in different countries for a year and a half, splitting time as well as we can with our daughter who is turning 4 this summer. Time to present would put us at together 15 years, married 7.
She put work before everything else, and I went into a depression, and things spiraled.

The idea of me moving back to CO was to work on myself and get in a better place, which had small effects, but then I just got lazy by myself. Decided to finally take some effort and responsibility here, haven't had a drink in a couple of weeks now, getting back in the gym, and working on some other things I have that I need to improve.

Easter I went up with our daughter to see her and the in-laws, and we had some talking about it all, and she finally admitted that it wasn't all on me, that she has issues to deal with as well. I don't know if we will ever see eye to eye on the work life balance etc, but it's enough of a start to keep a glimmer of hope for the future, that neither of us want to divorce yet.

We will see each other again in July, although it will be in a vacation/ holiday setting, so not much of any time to ourselves. Working on communication in the meantime, which will hopefully keep going well.
The whole work/life balance thing was one of our issues. During the first half of our marriage, she had the big-deal corporate gig and I was a contracting engineer who could set his own hours. That meant I was (almost) the only dad doing the fetch and carry at day-care/school, at all of the parties, and of course at all of the sporting events; this really didn't set well with her (mom guilt and all that). Funny thing though, we both got put on the professional sidelines during the recession and her career has yet to recover (she's currently making quite literally 10% of what she was making in 2008), mine looked no less bleak for several years and then in 2013 I landed my first real job since 1981 and my career has taken off. Talk about role reversal.

I told you the above story to suggest you might want to keep an open mind about the work/life balance thing because you just never know when things may get turned on their head.
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Old 05-20-2019, 12:18 PM
  #30  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

213374U you're not alone
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:49 AM
  #31  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Start here for the story leading up to this post --> https://honda-tech.com/forums/genera.../#post51932601

------------------------------------------------------------

Had our first meeting with a counselor yesterday and it went pretty well. She (the counselor) reaffirmed many of the things I've been telling my wife without me needing to guide the conversation in that direction. She's also fantastic in that she was constantly paying close attention to how we physically reacted to the things she and each other were saying and was always adjusting her approach accordingly. Mental fencing, if you will.

Here's where I believe my wife is right now: She has created an entire microcosm of life at her golf course. She has friends she considers family, there's the drunk uncle types who can't control themselves, she's found a "partner" within this world, and has all the supporting relationships to help her in that relationship including other lesbians who can offer insight and guidance to her current decisions. To desire to work things out with me requires the desire to give up all of that, all with just the hope that me changing my ways sticks around longterm. She's not ready to do that, but she's making her decision known to me daily by not taking action. The counselor called this out, even said "You have a choice to make, and soon", but she had to quickly course correct to a "there's no timeline" when she saw her reaction to that statement. She needs space, without me pressuring her to make a decision, but I'm really struggling with finding patience here. The complete lack of control over the situation is wrecking me.

On top of all this, at a point where she truly felt abandoned by me and that we were over, before I spoke to my "best friend" (24 years, there for the very beginning with my wife; closest for sure, but there were always walls up) and had my "wtf am I saying?!?!?!" moment that began the introspective analysis that led to my change, she got physical with this woman. I went out to my his house to have a few drinks, talk through some ****, and crash for the night. My wife took this chance to send our youngest to her moms house, my oldest was staying the night with friends, so she went out for margaritas with her and it eventually led to sex (nb4phdts).

She sealed the bond that night, if not for her at least for the lesbian whom she doesn't want to hurt, making her decision to come back to me simply on hope for the future that much harder. I don't blame her, with my actions and words I had abandoned her completely. This I can forgive and forget and already have but it really drives it home that she very well might not choose me in the end. This knowledge changes absolutely nothing on my end as I had already seriously suspected it.

She distanced herself from this woman as I said, but Sunday she left the house to find a quiet place to complete the client intake forms for the counselor. A quiet place to really examine the hard questions. She went to the golf course knowing that Sundays are usually this other woman's regular day away from the course. She didn't think she'd run into her, or at least that's what she tells me. But she did, and she invited her over to her table for a talk. She can't work there if she wants to make an honest effort at fixing this and she knows it. I just don't know if she can give all of this up....
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:54 AM
  #32  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Your marriage is over. At least it would be if I was on your end. Lawyer up and figure out how the pieces will fall when it's done.
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:55 AM
  #33  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

As someone who has been in your situation, I was reading a lot of your posts over the weekend, but too busy to really reply.

I have questions about them sleeping together. How long ago was that, and how did you find out? At the counseling session or did your wife tell you a while ago? Did she say it was once or multiple times?
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:57 AM
  #34  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by BauleyCivic View Post
Your marriage is over. At least it would be if I was on your end. Lawyer up and figure out how the pieces will fall when it's done.
Basically this.

21337-
Would you be reacting any differently if she smanged a dude rather than the lesbian? Just curious.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:00 AM
  #35  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by BauleyCivic View Post
Your marriage is over. At least it would be if I was on your end. Lawyer up and figure out how the pieces will fall when it's done.
Agreed. Id have this solved with one simple question to my 'wife'..."Do you want us/this to work and are you willing to do what it takes to make it happen?". If that answer isnt an immediate yes, then it's already over with and youre both just wasting time "trying to make it work" when deep down I think your wife is/has already moving/moved on in some ways. The infidelity alone for me would have told me all I would need to know.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:05 AM
  #36  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by Tokyosmash! View Post
So what do you do when your spouse puts all of that in front of your marriage because “that’s how it was when I grew up”

Asking for a friend :sigh:
I see that a lot, including my in-laws. They are divorced now and remarried to someone else. In their case, they married young and started having kids. Once the kids grew up, their marriage was just in limbo. I don't think they even had much in common honestly, even though they were married for well over 27yrs. It was like the kids were the glue holding their marriage together.

213374U, hate to say this but it's pretty much over. When the spouse makes the time to be with someone else (male, female, both..whatever), they have made the decision to live life without you. Been down that road before. My 1st marriage ended due to my wife "wanting to live her own life" since we married right after high school. There's no use in trying to make it work when you're the only one doing the work.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:07 AM
  #37  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by funk.regulator View Post
Not married. Been with my significant other about 13 years now. Have a 7 year old. What is the point of getting married in today's age?
Taxes...maybe.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:14 AM
  #38  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Marriage offers a lot of features for financial protection.
Obviously for the couple, but also if there are any kids.

You also get the benefits for taxes, job benefits, etc.

Like anything worthwhile, marriage takes a work and commitment... a lot of it and all the time.
The grass is not greener on the other side - the grass is greener where you put in the yard work.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:18 AM
  #39  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by 213374U View Post
Start here for the story leading up to this post --> https://honda-tech.com/forums/genera.../#post51932601

------------------------------------------------------------

Had our first meeting with a counselor yesterday and it went pretty well. She (the counselor) reaffirmed many of the things I've been telling my wife without me needing to guide the conversation in that direction. She's also fantastic in that she was constantly paying close attention to how we physically reacted to the things she and each other were saying and was always adjusting her approach accordingly. Mental fencing, if you will.

Here's where I believe my wife is right now: She has created an entire microcosm of life at her golf course. She has friends she considers family, there's the drunk uncle types who can't control themselves, she's found a "partner" within this world, and has all the supporting relationships to help her in that relationship including other lesbians who can offer insight and guidance to her current decisions. To desire to work things out with me requires the desire to give up all of that, all with just the hope that me changing my ways sticks around longterm. She's not ready to do that, but she's making her decision known to me daily by not taking action. The counselor called this out, even said "You have a choice to make, and soon", but she had to quickly course correct to a "there's no timeline" when she saw her reaction to that statement. She needs space, without me pressuring her to make a decision, but I'm really struggling with finding patience here. The complete lack of control over the situation is wrecking me.

On top of all this, at a point where she truly felt abandoned by me and that we were over, before I spoke to my "best friend" (24 years, there for the very beginning with my wife; closest for sure, but there were always walls up) and had my "wtf am I saying?!?!?!" moment that began the introspective analysis that led to my change, she got physical with this woman. I went out to my his house to have a few drinks, talk through some ****, and crash for the night. My wife took this chance to send our youngest to her moms house, my oldest was staying the night with friends, so she went out for margaritas with her and it eventually led to sex (nb4phdts).

She sealed the bond that night, if not for her at least for the lesbian whom she doesn't want to hurt, making her decision to come back to me simply on hope for the future that much harder. I don't blame her, with my actions and words I had abandoned her completely. This I can forgive and forget and already have but it really drives it home that she very well might not choose me in the end. This knowledge changes absolutely nothing on my end as I had already seriously suspected it.

She distanced herself from this woman as I said, but Sunday she left the house to find a quiet place to complete the client intake forms for the counselor. A quiet place to really examine the hard questions. She went to the golf course knowing that Sundays are usually this other woman's regular day away from the course. She didn't think she'd run into her, or at least that's what she tells me. But she did, and she invited her over to her table for a talk. She can't work there if she wants to make an honest effort at fixing this and she knows it. I just don't know if she can give all of this up....
She at least was being honest and hopefully she spilled the beans to the damn broad about her trying to make it work.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:24 AM
  #40  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

She's not going back to the golf course "to work on stuff".....least of all, the marriage. That was absolutely intentional.
Sorry to hear all of this man.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:24 AM
  #41  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by BauleyCivic View Post
Your marriage is over. At least it would be if I was on your end. Lawyer up and figure out how the pieces will fall when it's done.

^^^ what he said. I’m assuming that 21377 wife is in her mid-30’s so basically when a chick mentally checks out the relationship is over because (I hate to say this) but she believes that she can ‘do better’. That’s basically girl code for I like to be promiscuous.

I understand his frustration because just like he realized this is really out of his control. He can only control how he reacts to this and the kids will be negatively impacted by this.

213374U regarding the lesbian partner, have you noticed anything odd earlier in the relationship that you mentally swept under the rug? Usually with something like that you notice it within 1-3 months of meeting someone.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:24 AM
  #42  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

I don't feel this is the place to tell people their marriage is over.

Dude is not asking if it is. He's venting and trying to work this out with his wife.

Don't put thoughts in his head that he might (subconsciously) act on. Just saying. I know some of you have been in his situation, but every situation is different. We don't know all the details.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:25 AM
  #43  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by Caoboy View Post
I don't feel this is the place to tell people their marriage is over.

Dude is not asking if it is. He's venting and trying to work this out with his wife.

Don't put thoughts in his head that he might (subconsciously) act on. Just saying. I know some of you have been in his situation, but every situation is different. We don't know all the details.
100% agreed.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:27 AM
  #44  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by Caoboy View Post
I don't feel this is the place to tell people their marriage is over.

Dude is not asking if it is. He's venting and trying to work this out with his wife.

Don't put thoughts in his head that he might (subconsciously) act on. Just saying. I know some of you have been in his situation, but every situation is different. We don't know all the details.
I don't think his wife was "testing the waters" with that woman. From what he has said, I likely doubt she has intentions on saving the marriage. Her actions speak for themselves. We aren't making the guy go file for divorce or anything. We are just letting him know what the situation obviously is.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:28 AM
  #45  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by NVturbo View Post
I don't think his wife was "testing the waters" with that woman. From what he has said, I likely doubt she has intentions on saving the marriage. Her actions speak for themselves.
I get that, but context. He's not asking for advice.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:30 AM
  #46  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Might not "be the place for it"...but there are also legit dudes here (that are NOT trolling this topic or "jumping the gun") that can also help KEEP his head clear when she bullshits about things like "going to the golf course cuz it's the instructor's OFF DAY" *insert eye roll here*............while also claiming she's "trying".
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:30 AM
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

even if he's not asking for advice, it's on his mind. From my personal experience, it feels lonely as hell when **** like that happens to you. You don't know who to talk to or trust anymore.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:41 AM
  #48  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

Originally Posted by usdm420 View Post
She's not going back to the golf course "to work on stuff".....least of all, the marriage. That was absolutely intentional.
Sorry to hear all of this man.
Yeah, going back to the same place where this woman goes and not intentionally avoiding it sends mixed messages.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:42 AM
  #49  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

If she doesn't bring up that 'accidental meet' at the next counseling tankers gonna have to press the question right there.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:44 AM
  #50  
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Default Re: Marriage in trouble; trying to work things out?

**** dude, that blows, sorry to hear you are going through this.

To me, I am just going to echo what most said above, it seems your wife may be telling you one thing and doing another.

In the end it's up to you to decide if you can look past this and fully, establish trust with her again or it will always be a struggle.
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