Archidictus's "A Gift of AIDS" - 1998 Oldsmobile Intrigue

Description:

Typical General Motors shitbox with an interior made out of sorrow and tan pleather. Soft surfaces were once comfortable but now serve only to dull the stabbing of metal understructures. The exterior is boring, if handsomely proportionate, and remains generally white despite my greatest efforts to avoid cleaning any of the insects and/or road scum from the front valence and hood.

The rear three spark plugs have never been changed because I don't give a shit and they're really difficult to reach. The car, as a result, accelerates like a molasses landslide in the Winter and occasionally makes a sound like the death rattle of an emphysemic nintey-five year old when cruising on the highway for hours at a time.

In spite of its sporty suspension, it handles like a sausage on a unicycle and, honestly, I almost weep for the safety of my family when I gently depress the brakes on the highway, as the shuddering surrender I feel below my foot bespeaks a future wrapped in metal and the remains of my infant son, flung from his Eddie Bauer carseat and into my coccyx.

Engine/Drivetrain Modifications:

I change the oil when I feel like it, which is infrequently. Other than that, I'm running the eco-friendly "spark plug mod" which involves never changing the rear bank because they piss me off.

Suspension Modifications:

I once looked in the wheel wells of the car and saw only a stack of rocks with an "IOU" scribbled on them wedged where a coil spring should be. I decided not to ask questions.

Wheels/Tires Modifications:

It actually has aftermarket rims because the stock pieces of shit were chrome plated and leaked air in a cycle that made me feel like Sisyphus.

Interior/Exterior Modifications:

Pioneer CD player. The stock sound system isn't bad at all. It handles death and black metal rather well, all things considered.

Future Modifications:

C4C and get a G8 GT?