dammit, pegged !!
10-31-2001, 02:09 AM
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dammit, pegged !!
oh man these lists described me better than my psyhic friend.
LOL check out the integra sting, my friend's still on my *** about it after the **** i gave him about owning a jetta (from the top 10 gay cars, i'm sure you guys have seen it).
How to be the Perfect Asian American Parent (from the
second generation
perspective)
1. Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.
2. Don't ask where the other point went when your
child comes home with
99
percent grade on his/her report card.
3. Don't "ai-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits.
4. Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu
(Harvard), Yeil
(Yale),
or Purinsuton (Princeton).
5. Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's
life to the entire Asian community.
6. Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do
with your life?" if he/she majors in a non-science field..
7. Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter
two acres of bangs.
8. Don't try to set your kid up on a date in
anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.
9. Incorporate other phrases besides, "Did you study
yet?" into your daily conversations with your children.
10. Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of
21if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.
How to be a Perfect Asian Kid (from the first
generation perspective)
1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert
performer.
3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win
enough scholarship money to pay for it.
5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying,
violin/piano, and studying.
6. Love classical music and detest talking on the
telephone.
7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually
a Rhodes Scholar.
8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect,
successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).
10. Love to hear stories about your parents'childhood
...especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR ASIAN GIRLFRIEND ETERNALLY HAPPY:
1) Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for
her. For her the number 2 rule follows.
2) Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important
thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie,
steal,
or
kill to do it.
3) Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over
this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you
for
it
and it will come out of left field to smite you.. Preferably be about
1foot
taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a
trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.
4) Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what
you've heard about submissive asian women. They actually rule every
relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive,
guilt-evoking, whiny,crying mind-control.
5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She
will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of Hello
Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as
flowers, chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks.
Also,
she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest
perceived
slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If
you behave any other way, she will never understand it.
6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her
the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.
7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR
SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere
inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must
be
as
unchanging and constant as the firmament.
8) There are NO MORE RULES to making your asian girlfriend eternally
happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not
addressed,
you are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary rules
#1 and #2 - they are the solution in every such case.
Top Ten Pick Up Lines Used by Asian Men
10. I may look like a nerd but it's only a disguise.
9. I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my
mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back.
8. Uhhhh, no, I didn't play football in high school
but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis.
7. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You
know,that chic from Street Fighter 2.
6. What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask.
Y'see,I'm finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine.
5. Yeah, (sniff) I cried during "Joy Luck Club."
4. Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a
pretty mean fried rice!
3. You know what? It's strange, but I get mistaken for
a white guy all the time!
2. Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam
lowered Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims and a subwoofered
stereo
that'll
leave you breathless?
1. My eyes may seem small but I've got a HUGE
personality
YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF...
1. You're obsessed with you hair, your car, and your
clothes
2. You want to marry a Korean-American or
Chinese-American woman
(males);or you want to marry a white guy (females).
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF...
1. You smoke and drink too much.
2. You're actually sorry that Margaret Cho's sitcom
was canceled.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians..
YOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF....
1. You think you're the smartest people in the world.
2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all
times.
3. Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF...
1. You've gotta have fish sauce with every meal.
2. You eat at a restaurant that has "Pho."
3. You have some relative who is Chinese.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF...
1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor,
even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard, or an
accountant.
2. A member of your family back home is a politician
or a movie star.
3. You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you
wish you were black.
4. You don't care if you are superior to all other
Asians or not, because being Filipino is just cool in itself.
Top Ten Reasons there won't be a Chinese President
Anytime Soon
10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred
overpolitics
8. Oval Office has bad feng shui (literally means
'windwater')
7. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at
state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically
correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles
"You know you're Asian if . . . "
1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. your dad is some sort of engineer
3. your parents still tried to get you into places
half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2
hours later they're still lecturing
5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. you shop 99 Ranch
7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what
part of Asia your ancestors were from
8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your
life. Remember those haircuts from Mom?
9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends'
kids.
10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with
scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a
temple,
forest or library.
11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
12. you drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the
prices are rock bottom.
14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even
put in hot dogs.
15. at least once, you've started a joke with
"Confucius say . . . "
16. you know what bok choy is
17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around
February.
18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the
front, back and closet doors.
19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every
time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
20. you have NO eyelashes.
21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic
imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo
bok chi, etc...
22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii)
was last night's dinner
24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the
back scratcher.
25. at least one family member wears black
wire/plastic frame glasses
26. your parents hover over your tired,
caffeine-drugged body at 12
midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country),
we studied even more."
27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with
any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is
that your mother?
Well then, is it your sister?"
29. your relatives' houses smell like incense,
mothballs or both
30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in
8th grade!!"
31. everyone thinks you're good at math.
32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs
and Wah's"
33. you like $1.75 movies
34. you like $1.50 movies even more.
35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable
clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words
that
make
no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the
ever
popular lime green.
36. your parents insist you marry within your race.
37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or
any other imitation oriental food.
38. you either really, really want to go to UIC or
really, really want to stay away from it.
39. your parents have never kissed you
40. your parents have never kissed each other
41. you learned about the birds and the bees from
someone other than your parents
42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't
even have shoes!!"
43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and
ask you to translate.
44. You have to call all of your parents' friends
"Auntie" or "Uncle."
45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles
46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious
glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off
the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
48. the vast majority of the people related to you
wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. you will most likely be taller than your parents.
50 your parents have either made you play the piano,
the violin or both.
51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but
crapped on if you don't
52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always
have to bring a gift.
53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees,
you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or
both.
55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on
TV (i.e., Michael Chang)
56. the furniture in your house never matches the
wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the
furniture.
57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown
substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
58. you own a rice cooker or two
59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon.
60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your
head..
61. your parents tell you about how long it took for
them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native
country,
and how much they still appreciated going.
62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes
too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."
LOL check out the integra sting, my friend's still on my *** about it after the **** i gave him about owning a jetta (from the top 10 gay cars, i'm sure you guys have seen it).
How to be the Perfect Asian American Parent (from the
second generation
perspective)
1. Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.
2. Don't ask where the other point went when your
child comes home with
99
percent grade on his/her report card.
3. Don't "ai-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits.
4. Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu
(Harvard), Yeil
(Yale),
or Purinsuton (Princeton).
5. Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's
life to the entire Asian community.
6. Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do
with your life?" if he/she majors in a non-science field..
7. Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter
two acres of bangs.
8. Don't try to set your kid up on a date in
anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.
9. Incorporate other phrases besides, "Did you study
yet?" into your daily conversations with your children.
10. Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of
21if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.
How to be a Perfect Asian Kid (from the first
generation perspective)
1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert
performer.
3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win
enough scholarship money to pay for it.
5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying,
violin/piano, and studying.
6. Love classical music and detest talking on the
telephone.
7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually
a Rhodes Scholar.
8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect,
successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).
10. Love to hear stories about your parents'childhood
...especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR ASIAN GIRLFRIEND ETERNALLY HAPPY:
1) Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for
her. For her the number 2 rule follows.
2) Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important
thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie,
steal,
or
kill to do it.
3) Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over
this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you
for
it
and it will come out of left field to smite you.. Preferably be about
1foot
taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a
trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.
4) Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what
you've heard about submissive asian women. They actually rule every
relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive,
guilt-evoking, whiny,crying mind-control.
5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She
will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of Hello
Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as
flowers, chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks.
Also,
she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest
perceived
slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If
you behave any other way, she will never understand it.
6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her
the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.
7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR
SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere
inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must
be
as
unchanging and constant as the firmament.
8) There are NO MORE RULES to making your asian girlfriend eternally
happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not
addressed,
you are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary rules
#1 and #2 - they are the solution in every such case.
Top Ten Pick Up Lines Used by Asian Men
10. I may look like a nerd but it's only a disguise.
9. I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my
mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back.
8. Uhhhh, no, I didn't play football in high school
but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis.
7. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You
know,that chic from Street Fighter 2.
6. What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask.
Y'see,I'm finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine.
5. Yeah, (sniff) I cried during "Joy Luck Club."
4. Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a
pretty mean fried rice!
3. You know what? It's strange, but I get mistaken for
a white guy all the time!
2. Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam
lowered Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims and a subwoofered
stereo
that'll
leave you breathless?
1. My eyes may seem small but I've got a HUGE
personality
YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF...
1. You're obsessed with you hair, your car, and your
clothes
2. You want to marry a Korean-American or
Chinese-American woman
(males);or you want to marry a white guy (females).
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF...
1. You smoke and drink too much.
2. You're actually sorry that Margaret Cho's sitcom
was canceled.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians..
YOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF....
1. You think you're the smartest people in the world.
2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all
times.
3. Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF...
1. You've gotta have fish sauce with every meal.
2. You eat at a restaurant that has "Pho."
3. You have some relative who is Chinese.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF...
1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor,
even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard, or an
accountant.
2. A member of your family back home is a politician
or a movie star.
3. You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you
wish you were black.
4. You don't care if you are superior to all other
Asians or not, because being Filipino is just cool in itself.
Top Ten Reasons there won't be a Chinese President
Anytime Soon
10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred
overpolitics
8. Oval Office has bad feng shui (literally means
'windwater')
7. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at
state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically
correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles
"You know you're Asian if . . . "
1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. your dad is some sort of engineer
3. your parents still tried to get you into places
half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2
hours later they're still lecturing
5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. you shop 99 Ranch
7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what
part of Asia your ancestors were from
8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your
life. Remember those haircuts from Mom?
9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends'
kids.
10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with
scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a
temple,
forest or library.
11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
12. you drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the
prices are rock bottom.
14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even
put in hot dogs.
15. at least once, you've started a joke with
"Confucius say . . . "
16. you know what bok choy is
17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around
February.
18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the
front, back and closet doors.
19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every
time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
20. you have NO eyelashes.
21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic
imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo
bok chi, etc...
22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii)
was last night's dinner
24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the
back scratcher.
25. at least one family member wears black
wire/plastic frame glasses
26. your parents hover over your tired,
caffeine-drugged body at 12
midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country),
we studied even more."
27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with
any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is
that your mother?
Well then, is it your sister?"
29. your relatives' houses smell like incense,
mothballs or both
30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in
8th grade!!"
31. everyone thinks you're good at math.
32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs
and Wah's"
33. you like $1.75 movies
34. you like $1.50 movies even more.
35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable
clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words
that
make
no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the
ever
popular lime green.
36. your parents insist you marry within your race.
37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or
any other imitation oriental food.
38. you either really, really want to go to UIC or
really, really want to stay away from it.
39. your parents have never kissed you
40. your parents have never kissed each other
41. you learned about the birds and the bees from
someone other than your parents
42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't
even have shoes!!"
43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and
ask you to translate.
44. You have to call all of your parents' friends
"Auntie" or "Uncle."
45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles
46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious
glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off
the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
48. the vast majority of the people related to you
wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. you will most likely be taller than your parents.
50 your parents have either made you play the piano,
the violin or both.
51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but
crapped on if you don't
52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always
have to bring a gift.
53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees,
you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or
both.
55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on
TV (i.e., Michael Chang)
56. the furniture in your house never matches the
wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the
furniture.
57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown
substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
58. you own a rice cooker or two
59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon.
60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your
head..
61. your parents tell you about how long it took for
them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native
country,
and how much they still appreciated going.
62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes
too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."
10-31-2001, 05:36 AM
#2
New User
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Columbia, MD, USA
Posts: 282
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Re: dammit, pegged !! (Key)
That is the funniest **** I've read in a long while. What makes it really funny is that, half of it is true. LMAO 
Jo nah Oo kyuh suh! Han **** saram eun chae go!!
Jo nah Oo kyuh suh! Han **** saram eun chae go!!
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